Most people tell you when you get pregnant you should wait 12 weeks to tell people so that you’re out of the danger zone. Once you get past 12 weeks, you likely won’t have a miscarriage and then you won’t have to go back to all the people you told and tell them the baby died.
So I didn’t tell everyone I was pregnant. We told our families and the friends who saw us regularly. Then we did have a miscarriage. And I will tell you, it was NOT easy to tell those people we’d lost the baby.
But what was harder?
Trying to act like everything was okay around the people who didn’t know.
We had dinner with some of James’ family one night. It was extended family who didn’t know yet. A few of them did, but they didn’t want to spill our beans, so no one talked about it the whole night. It was in the first week after we’d lost the baby and I was distraught. No one talked about it but I felt awful. No one knew what was going on. No one asked if I was okay or if I needed anything.
I needed something.
I needed a hug.
But instead I talked about writing my book, and whatever it was that was entertaining us that week. But I was lying. I wasn’t entertained. I wasn’t even writing my book.
So then I told the whole world. I wrote a blog about finding out we were pregnant and then losing the baby. It was nice because I didn’t have to tell everyone individually that we’d lost the baby, and even people we never planned to tell had a little more grace for us when they were around us. Some asked, some called, some just hugged me and didn’t say a word.
I began to wonder.
Why wait 12 weeks, at all?
Yes, believe me, I understand the pain. But I found so much more healing being open with people and I didn’t have to hide my hurt from anyone. It was there and they all knew it. If I’m going to tell the whole world when I lose the baby, why not tell the whole world when I find out I’m pregnant? Even if there is a chance I might lose the baby?
I’d rather give people the chance to celebrate with me and the chance to mourn with me.
Either way, up or down, life is better when people are with you.